I was not raised to care about other people. Like, not by a long shot.
My biggest influence was a woman who looked like a raven-haired Comanche and saw life as a battleground of enemies to be silenced, dominated, and conquered by brute force. My mother’s survival strategy was to be smarter, tougher, energetically larger and scarier than anyone around- and she achieved it. Besides her demand that I look a certain way, she didn’t give a shit what anyone thought about anything.
Once on a flight to her native Colombia, with my tiny grade-school self beside her, she turned around and vigorously beat an unknown child on the head with a rolled up newspaper after he bravely ignored her request to stop kicking her seat. She did whatever her animal instincts instructed and apologized never. That dynamic was interesting to grow up with to say the least, but lately I’m compelled to give her a bit of credit. Due to her zero interest/zero tolerance policy for anyone else’s feelings or needs, I have avoided the near-epidemic western condition of being preoccupied by the judgment of others. I care about people, but I don’t worry about what they think. I listen to myself above all and make choices based on my own integrity and desires.
For example, at a dingy psychiatric hospital where I worked just out of grad school, management forced salaried therapists to spend their time completing huge amounts of useless paperwork and, in my opinion, neglecting patients who were very much in need of our care. One frantic Monday, management requested one of us to complete yet more of this busywork (to make the hospital more almighty dollars) and a fellow therapist asked if I would do it. My answer was no. I was on my way to provide trauma therapy to abuse survivors because that’s what I was there for. I’ll always remember Kate’s response. She looked at me with consideration as I gathered my clipboard and purse to walk out the door and remarked, “You know, you’re really good at saying no to things.”
At first I thought she was making some kind of joke (she was usually making us all laugh) but then it dawned on me that she was serious. I hadn't yet encountered the "people-pleasing" dynamic I would later learn so much about from clients. So at that moment, all I knew was that her statement was a fair, if obvious, appraisal.
Despite my mother’s globally damaging influence on me, she offered one statement in my youth that has helped me every day since, without my even realizing it. I was 10 years old, and I’ll never forget the scene: I was eating toast and drinking orange juice- she was sitting across from me at our ‘70’s décor wicker kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading with her trademark lioness focus and seriousness. Pausing for a moment to lowered her ever-present JAMA journal, she gazed at me, and without context or elaboration said,
“Don’t ever let anyone waste your time.”
Since she had never offered me a shred of advice before, (and only 2 pieces since):
"Read everything you can.”
And later,"You're short, so you need to wear heels."
I held onto it. So in spite of her rage benders, yelling that I was a “goddamn idiot” and a “waste of a person”, etc., this one line served as evidence that despite her emotional savagery, my time and, by proxy, I myself, actually mattered.
This is the part that I understand only now, as an adult: I actually mattered whether she believed I did or not. In the times she couldn’t see past her own screaming face, I still mattered. And this is the case for all of us, regardless of where we came from. And if we don’t yet know our worth, if we have internalized the shame inherent to a toxic or abusive early developmental environment, it will matter an inordinate amount what other people think of us.
This is something I see every day, nearly every hour, in my clinical practice: clients expressing a debilitating preoccupation with other people’s judgment.
In light of this, I want to offer 5 important reminders:
1. Even if no one has ever told you: You matter.
2. Acknowledging and expressing your feelings, needs and boundaries are vital to your mental health and happiness, even if others don’t like it and choose to judge you.
3. Healthy friends and partners will appreciate you sharing your real self with them and will not judge you. This is the only way people can get to know and love the Real You.
4. Some people will judge you. Yes. People who judge themselves will judge you too. And if that’s the case, is that really someone you want in your life? I hope not. Life is too precious to waste on people who are so full of unprocessed pain and self-hatred that it leaks out onto you (and everyone else, eventually). Send them love and healing from a safe distance.
Also important to keep in mind- all people are entitled to their feelings. No one is obligated to like us or think everything we do is great. Our feelings and current adult circumstances are our own creations, no matter what transpires inside other people’s minds.
5. When you realize that whatever anyone sees in you is just a reflection of their own state of consciousness, it will be a lot easier to let go of your preoccupation with what they think.
In reality, I wish “5 Simple Steps” were all it would take for you to make yourself a priority and let go of worrying about other people’s judgment. But it’s likely not. Still, they remain useful guideposts and affirmations to help your brain re-wire to a healthier reality. Our most deeply held beliefs are just thoughts we keep thinking. Begin now refusing to accept old thoughts that harm you. Health is about balance. If you were raised in an environment like mine, your work will be to let other people matter more. If you were raised to put others above you, the imperative will be reclaiming your own sense of value and your right to live as you decide.
In the NARM approach, we work to help you understand that if you find yourself polarized on either side of the continuum, there are reasons for this. Be kind to yourself about the particular dynamic that helped you survive. Recognize that, as adults, we can now heal the implicit and explicit messages we received as kids and begin living lives of inner freedom.