Thrive Mind

What Sets Me Apart

I didn’t learn about healing trauma from a textbook or because I was a shiny, happy, do-gooder out to save the world.

I just had to learn to want to live.

As a young person, it was bizarre to me that anyone would smile. I believed anyone smiling was just willing to fake it- and I wasn’t. Yet even then, I had doubts.“Can this be true? Can everyone else really be willing to spend every moment pretending to feel something they don’t?” I’d heard there were people who had surmounted incredible odds and were now joyous, successful and thriving. I was desperate to understand this phenomenon because inside of me there was no framework for any of it. There was pain, self-hatred, crippling anxiety and avoidance of life and people. Luckily, I also had passion and a lot of fight inside me. I had a huge amount of charge in my system due to being caught in a chronic state of “fight” in a violent, unpredictable home where anger was the only acceptable, respectable feeling. At some point, the depth of my suffering forced me to make a choice: I could finally just kill myself- or I could use the energy I did have to grab at life and hope. Struggling every step of the way, bit by torturous bit, I taught myself how to care and remain open to experience, or at least continue to try.

Part of what I learned on this crazy path is that despite how well meaning people in the mental health field can be, often they are harmful to our progress. Anyone who holds us energetically in a place of over-empathizing with our story will keep us locked in child/victim-consciousness. And as someone who, despite my strong will and pride, identified (unconsciously) as a victim, I want to state expressly- this is not something traumatized people choose to do. It is not manipulation, not done to get sympathy. It is the psychological and physiological reality of a system that has been trapped in a time when we were victims. And until that dynamic is healed through powerful, holistic modalities like SE (for sexual and shock trauma) and NARM (for complex relational trauma), the body/mind will not recognize that there are other options. This is crucial for people to understand. When we were unable to defend ourselves from physical or emotional assaults, had no choice, had no ability to get away, no time or capacity to defend ourselves- all the thwarted defensive energy our bodies could not use- and the pain our young minds could not handle then became trapped in our nervous systems, consciousness and self-concept. This keeps us bouncing between extreme states of depression and anxiety, unable to self-regulate, incapable of basic functioning that others from sufficiently safe and nurturing backgrounds enjoy without effort. This chaos forms the foundation upon which we construct our very identities as developing humans.

Understanding this, I will always honor and reflect your current adult agency. I won’t collude with the idea that any of us is a current victim of our spouse, kids, parents, or any other consensual relationship. As children we had no choice- so the wonderful thing about adulthood is that now we do. Any time we complain, point a finger, or tell a self-defeating story of how poorly anyone is treating us, we are victimizing ourselves and keeping ourselves stuck. We can’t change other people. We can’t control what others think, do, or even how they feel about us. But we can develop a healthy relationship to ourselves, to our own internal experience, and how we navigate the challenges that being connected with any other human will inevitably present. This is our only option for an actualized life.

Of all the years of psychotherapy I did in NYC with the most prestigiously trained, deeply caring and committed psychiatrists and therapists who loved me and wanted so badly to help, it did little good. Their unmanaged empathy kept me paralyzed, unaware I had any choice about who I could be now. One sweet, 70-ish, hippy-vibed Harvard psychiatrist actually yelled “FUCK THEM!!” in our first session after I recounted a bit about how it was growing up with my parents. The effect was bittersweet. I felt cared for in a way, but also more defeated, concluding, “Wow, I guess it really makes sense that I’m a fucking mess.” It didn’t help me understand that what I did to myself now (as a result of what was once done to me) was the problem. It deepened the false belief that I was forever damaged and broken, a victim of this history and there was, beyond medication management, no way out. I was given diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Cyclothymia, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, etc. and all the medications to match. As a result, I developed a 10 year addiction to benzos- unable to take a breath without them. All this “help” stunted my life for a very long time.

Years later, when I returned to Austin, the Universe led me to a phenomenal Somatic Experiencing practitioner. My goodness did I love her. But she had this terrible habit of stopping me every time I launched into a story about how awful something was or how much I hated my husband ;) . I adored her, but my GOD that was annoying. Over and over she would interrupt me, and I wondered, “How can we ever “do therapy” if you never let me tell you anything?!” She was the first person to stop me from re-activating my child/victim-consciousness through endless retelling of painful, destructive stories about my past. My nervous system, my mind, and my soul finally began healing. Within 6 months I changed in ways I had dreamed of but never before felt possible.

This is the process I devote my life to now. My passion is sharing everything I’ve worked so hard to learn and helping others reconnect with their own wisdom and power. It’s still inside you- inherent, ineffable, intact. I promise. The answers which eluded me for so long, the ones I spent my whole life searching for will be yours. I will offer this to you with so much love and so much reality you can hardly stand it. :) But I won’t act as a “supportive friend”- confirming how terrible some circumstance or person is and how they have no right to treat you that way. You can get that for free anywhere. Instead, I will give you compassionate, radical, challenging honesty- a chance to embody your real Self, and make empowered choices. I am here to help you change your life. And I know that you can.