“Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.” Anonymous
According to Harriet Lerner, women are socialized to suppress anger and “cultivate guilt like a little flower garden.” But in truth, this survival strategy shows up in every gender expression. Society may encourage women to take on stereotypical care-taking roles, but the inner-drive to abandon the self comes from our families of origin- and can impact any of us, deeply.
When our feelings as children aren’t honored, we adapt by losing our ability to sense them. This shields us from the anguish of not having a safe, invested parent to care about and contain our experience. By necessity, we lose connection to our physical bodies- the aspect of us that registers feeling and needs. In order to sustain the exaggerated helper role, we suppress anger even more dutifully, as it’s the emotion that clarifies our legitimate boundaries. These conditions contribute to a downward spiral of personal uncertainty:
“If I can’t tell how I feel, how do I know what’s right for me? And if I don’t have access to anger, how would I know what I will or won’t accept from others? If I don’t know what my limits are, how can I create balanced relationships and enjoy my life?”
These are vital questions.
When we’re forced to give up our needs early in life, we compensate by care-taking others and derive a sense of personal value from this role. Because these adaptive behaviors bolster our sense of self, it makes sense that we become “co-dependent” and overly responsible, doing for others what they could do for themselves. And as I likely don’t have to tell you, being unable to say “no” attracts people into your life who are more than willing to take as much as they can get from you.
Here’s how to let go of unhealthy guilt:
1. Realize you have a right to your own thoughts, feelings, interests, needs, attractions, desires, compatibilities with others (or not), etc. As the beautifully distinct individual that you are, you will have your own personal preferences and feelings. Thank God! Our differences are what make life interesting and expansive. How lame would relationships be if we all thought and felt the same?
(A client recently described the surge in energy and vitality she is experiencing lately, and when I inquired as to its origin, she replied, “I think it’s because you gave me permission to be myself.” When clients say things like this, it’s touching. My #1 goal is to point people back to their own hearts, but it’s up to each individual whether or not they choose to go. I don’t take credit for that.)
2. When you know that you have this right, just as everyone else does, you can stop making yourself wrong for simply being who you are, feeling how you feel and wanting what you want.
3. Notice guilt arise when you listen to your own needs. Recognize this is just old conditioning/childhood consciousness and continue the practice of honoring your real feelings. It gets easier in time.
There is, of course, an important distinction to make here:
We experience healthy guilt when we disregard our personal integrity, behave dishonestly, shirk responsibility, and otherwise act incongruent with our own values. Healthy guilt is an inner safeguard that helps us stay true to our higher selves. The problem is that those of us who had to give up ourselves to please others now feel guilty for even considering our own boundaries.
So how can we distinguish what is healthy guilt vs. an unhealthy distortion?
1. By taking time to get to know ourselves and getting clear on our personal values: not the values of our parents, friends, partners or society- just our own.
2. Remember that you have this magnificent body that was designed to keep you alive and thriving. Train yourself to go inside and find answers based on how your physical body responds. When we are inspired to do something from a healthy place, that action will feel enlivening and expansive. (When we act out of guilt and obligation, we will feel drained, contracted, resentful and depressed.)
“We convince ourselves of a lot of things in our minds, but when we know something, we feel it.” Laurence Heller, founder of NARM
3. Acknowledge that nobody inhabits your body, mind and heart but you. If you are not willing to check inside, see what feels right to you, and speak up for yourself, you will be overwhelmed and miserable on a regular basis. You deserve better.
I want to leave you with one final thought:
You can never do what’s truly right for you and harm anyone else. What is in the best interest of the Self is always in the best interest of others, even when they can’t yet see it. We are here to expand and evolve eternally, and we are all co-creators in this awesome life with each other.
Let your contributions be authentic and from the heart.