Boundaries are guidelines that each person establishes for themselves which determine the treatment, behavior, circumstances etc. that one will or won’t tolerate. Sounds simple enough. But what makes them so important (and sexy)?
Because without them, you could have every single other thing going for you and life would still be painful, confusing and unfulfilling. You would still feel like a victim- only you wouldn’t realize you were victimizing yourself.
Let me take a moment and soften that last pronouncement because of course none of us would consciously choose to do this to ourselves. Many of us were not given enough kindness, understanding, love, and acceptance as children. We may have grown up in addicted or violent homes, we may have been raised by people who themselves did not have boundaries, did not love themselves, did not take personal responsibility, perhaps were mentally ill… and in many unconscious ways, they made us responsible for their feelings. They may have overwhelmed us, abused us, ignored us, conveyed that our value was in performing or presenting a certain image to others- there are endless possibilities. But what it amounts to is that we were not held in unconditional love. Our feelings were not validated, and our incipient Self-hood (required for boundaries) was not acknowledged or respected.
In order to survive an environment where our feelings were not honored, the miraculous human system adapts and engineers out this inner sense of Self. (The true Self is always there, but we don’t yet have conscious access to it.) We had to give up that capacity and instead focus on pleasing others in order to get our own needs met. And so, as we moved through the years and various developmental stages, our identity was built to reference- not what is right for us, but what is pleasing to “them”. We missed opportunities to slowly and gradually strengthen our understanding of what feels good to us and how we know that.
So, the first step towards boundaries is developing a basic awareness of our bodies. This represents a willingness to do the very thing that was most dangerous in childhood, so it will understandably bring up resistance inside. It is a radical reclaiming of our physical (and thus emotional, energetic, mental, spiritual…) systems. No one outside of you- no matter how brilliant, educated, impressive, evolved, could ever tell you what is best for you besides you yourself. Most people spend their entire lives searching for the person, relationship, religion, or entity that will finally tell them how to “find happiness”. Yet happiness is truly who you are at your core when you let go of all the mind-stuff and false-beliefs that keep you from recognizing it. Eckhart Tolle says, “The physical body is the greatest portal to presence.” And presence puts us in contact with the Self- inherent to all humans- that had to be exiled so early by a young system in chaos.
How to get out of the co-dependent, boundary-less, merging pattern:
1. Cultivate relationships with people who are supportive and encourage you to make choices about your life from your own wisdom rather than in service of them. People with poor boundaries will call you selfish for taking care of yourself. Don’t fall for it.
2. Learn to self-reference. Pay attention to your core, the seat of the will, and let it guide your choices. Try Yoga, Pilates, Gyrotonics, Tai Chi, or any other practices with a mind/body component.
3. Practice noticing sensation. What is it like when someone is really sweet to you? What happens in your body? What happens to the flow of energy inside? What temperatures are associated with this? And what happens when someone is rude? Develop a habit of tuning in to your physical experience, and then do what feels right to you. Notice what happens next. (This helps re-organize the system, and through neuro-plasticity, creates neural pathways devoted to making this new, self-affirming practice your default.)
4. Practice exercising your will. Tolerate the initial emptiness you feel when tuning into your own core. This will get easier. You are worth the time and effort.
5. Notice the urge to rescue others- and let it go. Recognize this pattern is an old remnant of what you had to do in childhood, and this is no longer true for you as an adult. Furthermore, if you would like a healthy relationship, realize this must be created with another healthy adult who understands you couldn’t save them (or anyone else) no matter how hard you tried. And it’s not your responsibility.
Awareness + New Action= Change
By this time you may be wondering why I would use the word sexy to describe all this challenging, possibly even dreadful-sounding work… Because the old cliché is true: there could never be a better you. You are the one and only incarnation of all the mysterious, fascinating, unique aspects that comprise the totality of you. So when you give up your Self to conform to the mold of what others want you to be (or simply what you THINK they want you to be), you lose what makes you attractive to healthy people. You lose any possibility of being sexy and captivating to people who could co-create a beautiful, delicious, fun, and exciting life with you. Healthy people want to know your real thoughts and feelings instead of wanting to control you. Healthy people want you to have deep, passionate desires that you pursue for your own enjoyment of life. They don’t want you reducing yourself to yes-person to their every whim.
Please remember as you embark on this journey of reclaiming your Self: this is a process. It took years and years of your system seeking safety through external validation to create the person you are now. And it will take time to learn more empowering thoughts-patterns and behaviors. Practice being as compassionate and loving towards yourself as you would be to a brand-new beautiful baby, just starting out in the world- totally open, totally vulnerable, totally deserving. The reality is, you still have that brand-new, beautiful baby that you once were inside of you. And the ONLY person who can heal that perfect little baby at this point is you. Remind yourself always, “It’s not my job to rescue anyone.” “I am free to be who I really am.” and “I can do this.”