I’ve outlined the 5 basic personality patterns that we run when distressed.
But how does this translate into information we can use? Here’s how:
1. Realize we and everyone else we know are just trying to feel safe.
2. Take ownership of your patterns and recognize that no person or circumstance can “make you” respond in a particular way. We are always responsible for our words and actions as adults, no matter what.
3. Forgive yourself. Over and over. None of us would consciously choose to enact patterns that disrupt our own happiness, and yet most of us live this way- making other people responsible for our feelings and reactions and feeling like a victim. If we lived through abuse as kids, we truly were victims at that time, and so the nervous system (until healed through somatic psychotherapy) holds on to the energy and information of that victimhood and we drag that distorted perception via our physical body, thought patterns, spirit and physiology into the present moment where it does not belong or serve us. We must make a conscious decision to heal our emotional wounds and live fully in the present moment as adults.
4. How do we do that?? And what does it mean to be an adult?
Simply, it means taking full responsibility for our selves in the present moment and blaming no one, ever again. And please remember- responsibility is distinct from blame. If you, like the rest of us, have been caught in patterns that rob you of your own empowerment, you are not to blame for that. It is simply a habit of going into child consciousness when threatened. But when you finally understand this life-changing reality, you must completely let go of blame, let go of fixating on anything or anyone who, in your mind, has wronged you. You will never live an actualized life if you put your attention on that which you have no control over and can NEVER change- other people.
5. Once you have identified your own patterns:
a.) Recognize when you’re caught in them.
b.) Be grateful you are aware enough to notice the distress you are causing yourself. Thank yourself for your awareness and dedication to making a change.
c.) Return to the present moment through calm, deep breathing and focused attention on the physical body.
d.) Take specific steps to shift out of the pattern. (more on this in the next post)
The cool thing is, when we really develop compassion for ourselves, we easily feel it for others. Sometimes we think that if we’re very hard on ourselves, this will shame us into changing. This will never happen and will only work against us, forever. The single most important shift you can make is in developing self-compassion and self-forgiveness. If this is currently difficult for you, make this your absolute first intention. Work with affirmations like, “I release the need to blame anyone. I forgive myself, love myself and everyone else.”
Our beliefs are just the thoughts we keep thinking. Changing our thoughts changes the actual neural circuitry, structure and function of our brains, which controls every aspect of our existence: feelings, perceptions, chemical make-up, energetic vibration…. everything. If relationships feel painful or challenging, make a commitment to be unconditionally friendly and loving with yourself, know that change is possible and that you deserve it.