My profession is fascinating. What’s better than dropping small talk, triviality, and social masks and getting to be totally present with another’s soul? Seeing a side of someone that is rarely, if ever, shown to anyone else is such a privilege, the experience can be quite transcendent.
But sometimes it’s not.
This happens in all parts of life. We can be so engaged with someone- and then, without knowing why, we register that something between us is suddenly less compelling. Any of us can become triggered and begin playing a compensatory role (trying to entertain, to please, to sound impressive, filling the space with rapid-fire story-telling, avoiding feelings through intellectualization or laughter)- all this in place of surrendering into the moment with basic, thrilling realness.
And I get it. As a child who was hit, scrutinized, insulted and screamed at, I didn’t have much of a chance to embody my real Self. For many years, I wasn’t even clear about who that might be. If I exposed anything besides toughness, I was laughed at and called a “candy-ass American”. Feelings were unacceptable and looking good was the only thing that mattered. As a teen, if I was acknowledged by my mother, it centered around just two options: how gorgeous and impressive I looked- or how physically disgusting and thus totally unacceptable I was. Her opinion (and my worth) shifted wildly from one minute to the next. “I can’t believe how beautiful you are! I can’t believe I made someone this absolutely incredible! Look at this golden hair! Look at these blue eyes! Mi princesa rubia- que divina que es!!”
Then, one moment later, “Wait- what did you do to your eyebrows??! And oh my god-you are so skinny- you look like a sick cat! I can’t even look at you- get out of my sight!” And she would shield her eyes from the monstrosity of me, tell me to get out of her room, and not talk to me for days.
When I had to give presentations in grad school, the anxiety was so great that I would almost black out. Instead, I willed myself to collect all my insecurities, lock them deep down inside- step into the role of “impervious, disaffected expert” and get through it. A frozen look would creep onto my fellow-students’ faces. I had no idea what that was about- I was just trying to live through the experience. As I think back on those times, I realize I was employing an unconscious strategy of being untouchable: “Don’t care what anyone thinks. Don’t let them in.” It was a self-protective force-field of intensity- one that shut down connection before it ever had a chance. When I think of this now, it makes me sad. This is not who I am- it’s just unconscious terror of something that no longer even exists. When softness is ridiculed, feelings are beaten out of you, and vulnerability is forbidden, you adjust.
My work now is noticing when those old patterns rear their fearful little heads. And trust me, they do! But I try my best to risk being human, to be open and show the tenderness that is still so much a part of the real me. Needing others is another story though. I haven’t quite discovered how to do that yet, but I’m working on it. Fortunately I have learned how to be gentle with myself about my shortcomings.
They say that if you’re not doing things every day that scare you, you’re not really living. So how do we change deeply held, largely unconscious patterns in order to distinguish our True Selves from false, fear-driven, life deadening patterns? First, we need to get clear on what habitual roles we play. To determine this, ask yourself who you had to be for your more difficult parent- and how you react when you feel anxious or threatened.
5 Types and What Distorts Our Ability to Be Real:
* Most people are a combination of two patterns, primary and secondary.
1. Leaving Pattern- Distinguished by a loss of connection to one’s own body and a strong impulse to get away. Often looks away from others. The original feeling was of not being welcomed into the world. This type intellectualizes or spiritualizes when feeling overwhelmed.
*Notice when this takes you over and make an effort to bring yourself back into your physical body. Remind yourself that you are loved by life. Feel your feet connecting you to the floor and imagine you could send roots down into the core of the earth. Know that going into your head and needing to “understand everything” is a strategy. Tolerate the discomfort of just being here or simply being with another person, without needing to explain or analyze things in your mind. Open to the expanse of enlivening possibilities in this moment. You are welcome and valuable, just as you are.
2. Merging Pattern- Desires to please others to get needs met. This type overrides what is wanted for the self in order to take care of others. It results in a fixation on others being the key to one’s happiness. “If I can just help this person, save this person, make this person need me/love me, then I can feel worthy.” The truth is, nothing outside of you can prove your worth because it is a given. When you believe it rests in the hands of another to determine, you will put this person above you. A healthy partner or friend will be uncomfortable in this dynamic. An unhealthy person may relish this position of power and allow you to undermine yourself as long as you’re willing to do so.
*Notice when you feel compelled to be overly “helpful” or put on a bright, happy social mask that you believe will please others. Be aware of your impulse to flatter, serve or manipulate in ways that will ingratiate you to others. Find your core, explore what is right for you and take care of your Self. You are enough.
3. Enduring Pattern- Distinguished by a need to resist and feeling stuck and numb. The strong and silent type- can handle anything by bearing down and tolerating it all. “You may get my body but you won’t get my soul.” This type battles self-sabotage and lack of motivation.
*Notice when the impulse to do the opposite of what is right for you arises. Passive aggression is common. Recognize this stems from not having had enough space to be your true Self in childhood and that no one has that power over you now. You are entitled to your feelings and personal wishes. They are not something to fear. Focus on strengthening your core. Practice expressing your true self with others, claim your space and take action. The right people will be honored to know the real you and support your self-expression. You are worthy and deserve great things.
4. Aggressive Pattern- This type feels life is a fight for survival and no one is on their side. Trusting and needing others is shut down. Power, control and manipulative charm feel like the only path to safety. Your energy is big and your will is formidable.
*In order to overcome this pattern, you must notice when you are intimidating others. Soften your approach and show more of your vulnerability- the quality that feels the most threatening. Feel yourself being held by the Earth. Learn to value others as well as yourself. Be willing to depend on others, ask for help. Let others in. Remember that you are not alone. Your protection was once in closing your heart. Know that it’s safe now, and essential, to trust and be open to others.
5. Rigid Pattern- This type had to be impressive for their parents- the cheerleader or football hero. They believe they are their performance or appearance- and so are you. “Unless you’re perfect, you’re worthless.” Overly-responsible, organized, respectful of rules, policies and authority.
*To get out of this pattern, notice your drive to critique, advise, or improve others or put everything you experience into neat little categories. Practice trusting your own feelings instead of outside authority. Explore pleasure and fun. Feel your inner life force and know that you are much more than your accomplishments. Let go of “being right”. You are worthy just in your being.
In my personal life, I adore people who take their most mortifying “failures” and personal embarrassments and spin them into hysterical stories for my gluttonous delight. My ex-husband Roy didn’t realize the extent to which he was charming me when he told me one of the most paralyzingly humiliating stories I can fathom. He was in high school and home sick that day with a stomach virus. A cheerleader he was into, Vickie, told him she was planning to drive to his house after school to visit. He was so exuberant that despite feeling horrible, upon seeing her pull into his driveway, he bound out his front door, charged powerfully across the front lawn and executed a combination Superman/InvisiblePole-Vault/Excessive-Testosterone-Leap over a low-lying shrub, setting off a soul-obliterating explosion of watery diarrhea down his legs, mid-air. I’m breathless with laughter as I type this because it just doesn’t get more horrific. Plus, who on Earth shares this kind of story after the fact? If this had been me, I would quickly pack a bag and disappear into the nearest, densest forest, never to be seen or heard from again. But Roy capitalized on the authentic delight of vulnerability and hooked me solidly into an even deeper love.
This happens in therapy too. I can’t tell you what a jolt of aliveness, respect, and appreciation I feel when people share about feelings and experiences they don’t lay bare to anyone else. Maybe that’s part of what appeals to me so much about this work. Clients are doing something that is still hard for me. Rather than acknowledge challenges, I’m driven to keep my mouth shut, manage my image, and keep people at a safe, comfortable distance. And yet the irony is, when someone is honest in a way that could make them look wretched, it never makes them look wretched to me. It’s a beautiful thing- being privy to that kind of openness, to know that someone trusts me and is courageous enough to say what is true.
And I always like them more.